28 October 2021 (Thursday)

As I write this, I am currently 43 hours and 28 minutes into my 72 hour fast. I am really, really happy with my progress. Yesterday, my biggest worry was that I would go home and break my fast at dinner time – open the fridge, see the food, eat the food. But what ended up happening was not only did I not feel hungry when I got home, I didn’t feel tempted psychologically either.

Usually, I will get home and binge eat. I’ll eat snacks and tidbits and whatever I can find until dinner time and then I’ll stop eating after about two or three hours and go to bed. And I do this even if I’m not hungry. Even if I know the proper meal will be ready in 20 minutes, I won’t wait to assuage my hunger with real food, I’ll snack and snack and snack and get full and not even enjoy the food.

It’s a psychological hellhole and I honestly mostly feel as if I have no control over my actions. However, yesterday was surprising because I prepared myself to fight with myself to remain in control. But it wasn’t a struggle. Not even a little struggle. I got home and I played with my daughter and I kept busy and the evening just went and I didn’t feel hungry or tempted and it wasn’t an issue. 

I hope that today will be similar to yesterday. Physically, I’m feeling a little tired and I was feeling a little hungry earlier but I drank some water and I’m now fine. The tiredness though is a good tired. I am pleased with myself because I walked today at lunch for about an hour and a half and in that time, I walked about 6km and I felt good and happy. 

I was listening to Steven Pressfield’s War of Art and was just in my zone and when the book ended, I actually surprised because I hadn’t realised the time that was being spent. So I think my tiredness is also due to the exercise and not just the fasting but it’s a good tired. A really good tired.

Another happy thing is that my knees were holding up during the walk. Usually I tape my knees at the beginning of the day to give my joints that additional support, but this morning I got really late and I didn’t get a chance to tape it so I was really worried about walking in pain. But in truth, it was not as painful as I had expected it to be. 

Don’t get me wrong, it was painful but thank God that I was able to maintain my walk and I was not rendered immobile with the pain, which is definitely something that I experienced before. 

So all in all, Day 2 is going really well and I’m really happy. It also started off amazingly well in that I woke up this morning and weighed myself in at 101.9kg. That means that just one day of straight fasting resulted in a 1.9kg loss overnight. 

Now, I know that most of this is water weight but I can’t begin to tell you how happy I was to see that number. The thought of being below 100kg, of being 99.9kg is something I have longed for for so long and something I never really thought I’d ever be able to achieve. In truth, I think I’ll only really believe it when I see it, and then too, when I see it consistently over a week or two.

But even so, just seeing the scale drop to 101kg – oh, that was a moment and I felt like, you know what, I’m doing the right thing and this sixty-six-day pivot goal might actually yield results that surpass my expectations and what a wonderful feeling that is.

What else? I have latin dancing class this afternoon. It’s just a beginner thing and I’ve only been for two or three lessons so far, but it makes me happy. The music makes me happy. The dancing makes me happy. But my knees…oh, my knees, they don’t hold up all that well. 

And, really, I feel almost imprisoned by my ill-health. Simple things like being able to crouch down to see my daughter at eye-level, or walk or dance – no, it’s a harsh reality. But it’s one that I need as well. 

For in truth, there’s no one to blame, not really. It’s complicated and messy but the first step I need to take is to acknowledge where I am. Not blame myself or my circumstances or the people in my life. Not there’s no blame to go around – life is what it is. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t acknowledge where I am right now and take responsibility for where I’ll be in the future if I don’t take the appropriate action now. 

And I am. Between yesterday and today, I’m taking action in the right direction. And whether it is late in coming or not, I’m doing something. And that’s what matters. And that’s what I need to remember as well. I can’t allow myself to become blinded by what I think the outcomes could be – it will fill me with fear, the thought of being successful and I know myself well enough by now to know that I will self-sabotage.

So I need to continue to look inward at the present moment and focus on the process. For that is how I will succeed. By not looking up and seeing how far I need to go but by trusting in my roadmap and my plans and by knowing that my path is well-mapped. I am moving in the right direction so I don’t need to look at how much further I have to go. I just need to put my head down and focus on each present, passing moment, without worrying about the end goal. 

And anyway, does the end-goal really matter. Or rather, if we rethink that, can we really have an end-goal. If life is constantly changing and if change gives meaning to life then, by default, there’ll never be an end right? Not really, not until the very end of our physical existence. 

So why focus on an outcome that is not really an outcome but simply another step in an ongoing process called life? 

Food for thought. Getting back to the daily objectives though, it’s almost sometime so what I need to be aware of when I get home is my natural inclination to eat when I enter the house. But I have made it this far and it’s only a couple hours before bed. So, I just need to be aware that I may be tempted to break my fast and prepare myself mentally for saying no to myself.

Steven Pressfield today, talking about the Ego and the Self. The war between the Ego and the Self. And right now, my Self, my Soul, who I am inherently, that person knows what it needs in order to express itself fully in this world. And what I need to do is watch my Ego and make sure that it aligns with the purpose of my soul, not work against the expression of our divine purpose on this planet. 

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